The “Feel Good Challenge” Full Circle

25 03 2014

Wordle: Full Circle

We’ve had a busy couple of months and for those who have been following the “Feel Good Challenge” and participating in their own version of it, I invite you to share your experiences, thoughts and ah-ha moments – it would be a pleasure to read your comments.

On our end we’ve come full circle. How many time’s have I heard myself say out loud “No one can control how we feel but us…”; “I’m 100% accountable for how I feel and what other people do, say and believe about me is none of my business…”; “it is our choice to live as victims of circumstances or recognize that we are the creators of our own lives…” the list goes on and it is from this space that I assess the latest “great idea” introduced into my household – “THE FEEL GOOD CHALLENGE”.  Time for full disclosure, I feel like – for lack of a better word – a hypocrite!

hyp·o·crite [hip-uh-krit]  ( according to http://dictionary.reference.com)

noun

1.  a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2.  a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

OUCH!!!

The original intent behind the “Feel Good Challenge” was to raise awareness on my offspring’s behaviour toward each other and diminish the squabbles and fighting. What folly to think I could control this – it’s all my ego’s fault  😉 . Sneaky little ego; she even had me believing that I was doing my marriage a favour in extending the challenge to myself and my husband. What else is there to say other than … LOL!!!!

I hereby declare that the moment of truth has arrived; I know I cannot control how my kids treat each other or anyone else. I can’t make anyone more altruistic, or empathic especially if I use bribery as the driver! Needless to say I’ve been humbled by this trial and feel very vulnerable in having written about it for the whole world to see and judge. For whatever its worth, the “Feel Good Challenge” has taken on a life of its own for each member of my family and at the very least has taught me that as long as I live my truth and have the courage to speak from that space I can transform how I feel about any situation; and sometimes speaking my truth means staying very quiet. The girls still fight, and I choose whether to react or not, I select to engage or disengage, and I am aware of how I enter the playing field. So for the readers who can relate to being perfectly imperfect, much like myself, I look forward to growing together and thank you for bearing witness to the wonder of my imperfections.

 

Advertisements




The FEEL GOOD Challenge – status update

14 01 2014

 

challenge noun

: a difficult task or problem : something that is hard to do

: an action, statement, etc., that is against something : a refusal to accept something as true, correct, or legal

: an invitation to compete in a game, fight, etc.[1]

Well folks the FEEL GOOD  Challenge was accepted the morning after the proposal was forwarded.  Both girls wanted to take part and shared their tracking system for the “FEEL GOOD” success rate.  It’s been about a week since we started and no surprise that it has been an enlightening journey thus far!  My precocious daughters continue to keep me on my toes with their insights, observations and manifestation of their truth.  When I repeated to the girls how the reward for taking part in the challenge was to be revealed in 2 weeks time, my younger daughter, to my absolute delight, declared that she did not think a reward was necessary at all given that the “real” reward was going to be in just feeling good about herself and making her sister feel good…(pause for effect here – now start the fire works )

heart-firework-sparkle

 

After this little exchange, I had already declared a premature victory, patted myself on the back and was almost ready to declare the mission complete; well, not so fast.  Despite the  wisdom expressed by my profoundly astute 9 year old, I also noticed that there wasn’t a huge change in the girls’ behaviour toward each other.  Not only has the bickering continued, but I also noticed that the brilliant “FEEL GOOD” challenge was bringing up feelings of injustice and hurt.  The girls were complaining that they did not have equal opportunities to make each other feel good.  They also felt that they weren’t setting each other up to succeed when they made attempts at showing a kind gesture to the other, since neither was acknowledging efforts made by the other.  After a family meeting to clarify the intent of the challenge once again (see above definition), we decided to forge ahead but from a different perspective.

Thanks to the keen insights of a veteran parent who read the previous blog post and took interest in this “FEEL GOOD” challenge, I realized that the frustration I feel when the girls argue is much more about me than it is about them.  My deeply held beliefs taught me that sisters are supposed to be best friends and they should support each other, not hurt each other.  Having had a tumultuous relationship with my own sister growing-up (whom I now love and respect for the woman she is), I’m ultra sensitive to this dynamic between my own girls.  But what if the bickering and fighting serves a greater purpose, as my wise elder suggested?  What if the fighting between the girls, although it hurts me, is actually creating a stronger bond that will stand the test of time for their relationship and the relationships they will forge with other important people in their lives?  I can still own the truth of my experience, without holding the girls to judgement about how they are choosing to interact with each other.

0cff5bfe013492f733c091223071562d

So it is from this new perspective that the “FEEL GOOD” challenge continues AND has expanded to include my husband and I.  We decided it would do us good to practice what we preach and now my focus has inadvertently shifted from the girls to my own efforts to make my husband feel good 🙂 and it already has become much more fun!  More to come on this as the challenge continues….





The FEEL GOOD challenge

7 01 2014

As the girls are getting older I’m noticing that their exchanges and more specifically their bickering are becoming more intense.  Honestly, it drives me nuts!  I’m the first to admit that my parenting skills are a continuous work in progress and I have to work hard at remaining calm, open and objective when the girls get into it.

I’m also very curious by nature and tend to ask a lot of questions to myself, my kids and fellow guardians of tomorrow’s visionary leaders:

  • How do we encourage our kids to focus on the good in themselves and others?
  • What do we do to stay positive and keep an affirmative perspective?
  • How do the words we choose serve us?
  • What does it take to remain authentic to ourselves and preserve our integrity?
  • How do we teach our children to do the same?

My husband and I often feel like broken records, as we coach the girls to maintain a positive perspective on life in general and in particularly challenging situations, not just between themselves but others too as they arise.  Focusing on the positive has become an unofficial mantra in our house and we do our best to live it.

After another testy night of what I’ll refer to as catty teasing, I had enough.   As we were driving to TKD practice, and tempers began to flare up in the back seat I decided to launch the girls a challenge.

The Challenge: For one month, the two sisters are to track how often they can make each other feel good! Of course, in the heat of the moment I hadn’t really thought this through and will have to follow up on the results of this little anthropological experiment if the girls buy in.

The parameters were set that the girls had 24 hours to decide whether or not they would take on the challenge (they always have a choice).  Should they accept, they are to confirm with mom and/or dad by telling us how they were going to keep track of the “feel good success rate”.  To make it interesting, I told the girls that the rewards

for both challengers would be revealed within 2 weeks from the start of the challenge (I needed to buy myself sometime to think this through more carefully…).  My ultimate goal is that we all end up winners in this challenge by the shear virtue of consciously noting and sharing when we make each other feel good.  Stay tuned as the FEEL GOOD Challenge continues!





Nurturing Unconditional Kindness

5 12 2013

DSC04022

The topic of kindness has been a running theme for me since I started this blog.

How do we nurture kindness in our children?  Can kindness, like love be conditional and unconditional?

My eldest daughter has made a significant life choice recently to adopt a vegetarian life style.  This decision was prompted by her innate love of animals and nature.  I would consider this an act of unconditional kindness – as she has chosen to step out of her comfort zone and give up foods she has enjoyed since she was much younger (good-bye prosciutto, hamburgers, homemade sausages and veal scallopini!) without any expectation of compensation or reward.   Pretty cool!!!

Have you ever noticed however how fear sometimes stops us from giving kindness unconditionally?  Its like we’re giving kindness with a closed hand when:

  • we donate to a charity for the tax receipt that can be used as a claim for income taxes;
  • we help out friends and family in order to make a deposit in the “help” bank that we plan on withdrawing from later;
  • we volunteer for a cause just to get school credits.

What’s with the “Quid Pro Quo” undercurrent in the name of kindness?  True, being unconditionally kind can make us feel vulnerable and being vulnerable takes courage, especially as we get older.  That being the case,  as elders, champions, coaches and guardians, we have a very unique opportunity to re-learn how to be vulnerable and show kindness unconditionally by teaching, observing and simply BEING with our children.

If you ever have the privilege of spending time with a group of children as they play together, notice the dynamics between them and how you feel as you observe.  Recently I experienced immense frustration as I witnessed children being physically aggressive toward each other in the school yard as they were “playing”.  Why were they more inclined to overpower each other physically than play collaboratively?  Why use a closed fist instead of open hands to express themselves?  How do we bring more kindness to the local playground?  Once we acknowledge the sources that continue to desensitize our children to other people’s feelings, in our homes, schools, and the wide, wide world of social media and entertainment, we can also choose to introduce something different.  We have it in us to engage our children in a new conversation in order to nourish unconditional kindness but it takes a village, and the objective needs to be a common one.

So fellow villagers consider:

  • What can you do to show unconditional kindness to yourself today?
  • How can the children in your life bear witness and learn from such an act?

***

This post is dedicated to the memory of the 14 sacred goddesses whose lives were taken at L’École Polytechnique in Montréal on December 6th, 1989.  Let the brutality of that event serve as a reminder that it is our mutual responsibility to nurture kindness in all our sons and daughters.  Kindness is the oxygen that can rid society of cancerous violence.








%d bloggers like this: